I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
how drunk are you?
Several
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Randomize
