: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
