she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
