So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
