I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
