Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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