There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
