True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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