Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
