I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
