2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
