i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Randomize
