I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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