I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Randomize
