Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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