i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
