and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize