i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I have aggressive nipples.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
