he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
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