I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
