i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize