I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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