she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Randomize
