we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
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