I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
