the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
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