I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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