Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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