Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
