go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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