I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
