$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
