Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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