your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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