He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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