How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
