Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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