i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
