My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
Four minutes until I can fart!
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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