Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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