Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
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