Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize