Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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