Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
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