i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
