70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
