i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
