3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
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