Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize