Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
