He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Randomize
