He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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