quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
