The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
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